I handled Colin Hanks' cable bill

posted by Anonymous : 2:27 AM

Okay, I know that somehow sounds dirty, but I REALLY did! Fucked me up! So the story goes that I was working tonight at my new job at CSG Systems where I do overly physical and mundane work sorting all the statements we print out at our production facility before mailing them across the country (oh yeah, to anyone who cares, I quit the World-Herald because, quite frankly, bitches ain't shit). Although only on my second week, they already had me training someone else because, let's face it, I'm good with mail. So I was explaining some technical garble to him about separating statements by barcodes and I grabbed a random one nearby as an example. While explaining, the name happened to catch my eye and I stopped talking altogether to process what I was seeing. Yes, Colin Hanks. I thought it to be coincidence that perhaps some Joe Shmoe from Anytown, USA might have had the same name. Plus, I rarely even look at the names on the statements, so what were the chances? But, sure enough, it was a Beverly Hills address. I was thinking about writing it down just so I could say I have Colin Hanks' address, but the guy I was working with probably would've thought me to be creepy strange, especially since he didn't even know who he was. I won't even get into how I went so far as to consider opening it to see what cable package he prefers and whether or not he is a porno freak and whatever else a cable statement even tells about a person. But then I thought about federal law, my job, and other moral stuff and decided not to.

Although just a still shot from Orange County, I envision the above image to be an accurate representation of how he'll receive it. Maybe not as intense.

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The News (in Omaha)

posted by Stein : 3:31 PM

In case you were wondering, which I doubt you were but I'll pretend just for my sake, I'm no longer gracing the airwaves every night at 10pm. This Tuesday I got the ol' axe from Corporate America, and will no longer be hosting the KXVO News. Apparently I had made it to the final round of the audition, and everyone important was prepared to give it to me...until good old Harry Pappas stepped in and said, "Pull him off the air." The reason. Well, I was given no reason besides the fact that "Hare Bear" didn't like me. And, I'd like to think that the comedy was there, so it must have been the intimidating fro.

But anyways, thanks to those who helped out with some pieces (Rick, MS, Duhn) and those who tuned in. Now you don't need to anymore...unless it's Tuesday because they still want me to do the local music stuff.

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I just wanted to listen to their new record.

posted by RICK : 2:10 AM

The new Cursive record Happy Hollow was leaked at the beginning of the summer. I didn't listen. Instead I bought the single and decided to wait for the actual release date. They're one of my favorite bands, and sometimes anticipation can be a good thing.

So I pre-order the record last week and it came in the mail on Friday. Now, my computer is getting old and the optical drive is just about shot. It frequently gags on any disc that isn't your basic, audio CD. Well, the pre-order copies of Happy Hollow are not your basic, audio CD. They have about two dozen MP3s on the discs of other Saddle-Creek bands. My computer won't have any of it. It just spins and spins and spins and the music never comes up. Once, I was able to get the MP3s to come up, but I don't want those. I wanted the god damn Cursive record!

Plan B: give the disc to my roommate and his newer computer. He rips the record and burns it to your basic, audio CD. I try the burned disc. NOTHING. C'mon! I just wanna rock!

So what did I do? Well, I jumped on TorrentBox, found it, and downloaded it. Exactly what I could have done three months ago.

I don't know what the moral of this story is. Perhaps one of you know.

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Fallen on hard times

posted by Anonymous : 8:20 PM

This isn't really a humorous post, but it's kinda grim when I log out of Hotmail and see nothing but the following headlines:


Sometimes you forget what a state of disarray the world is in and how lucky you are to be sitting behind a computer and enjoying the freedoms that us Americans and others share while troubles are coming to a boil overseas.

If this post was too depressing for you, enjoy this picture of shiny bitches:



I wanted an excuse to use my new "Jedi" font and marvel at their drinks, which look like vomit with straws in them.

I also like to center all my pictures, thanks.

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Fantasy Television League!

posted by RICK : 2:53 PM

Are you tired of leaving fantasy sports to the jocks and nerds? Why can't your average televsion fan get in on the action?

Well now you can! This afternoon, MagneticMediaFed launched the first ever FANTASY TELEVISION LEAGUE for the fall of 2006.

The short description is that every team gets to pick twelve shows and then track their success through the fall. The team with the most points at the end wins a prize and the respect of their peers.

So put down whatever you're doing and sign up, sweet-tits.

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Open letter to Snapple:

posted by Anonymous : 3:11 AM

I am the Ted Nugent of Snapple Peach Iced Tea.

The above image represents only a small portion of the amount of this brown elixir that I have passed through my system. I only began collecting boxes because I became too lazy to keep breaking them down or walking them out to the dumpster. This was about 7 or 8 months ago. I am sickened to think that these were once full of 168 bottles. Now they only exist to represent the absurdity of my addiction.

I must admit that perhaps 6 or 7 bottles were given to friends out of charity when they needed a cool medicinal beverage to ease their souls. But believe me when I tell you that these have always been very special circumstances when my heart reached out enough to depart with a beloved bottle of paradise's nectar.

But alas, a crisis has arisen. For it is at this very moment that my own heart seeks out this very treasured substance. The sounds of a storm are riding the night's wind, thick with rumbles and a looming threat of a break in the dark peace that had settled in the sunset's wake. It is symbolic of the brewing dread that is draining my body's strength and robbing my mind of creativity.

It is my thirst for MORE.

Please oh please, Ms. Snapple Lady, when will I get my own machine???

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"Mister Wizansky!"

posted by Anonymous : 2:16 AM

Okay, so imagine if Darth Vader went completely out of his mind from having his soggy brain trapped inside that infamous helmet of his for nearly 20 years. Now insert this warped version of Vader into Episode IV: A New Hope (a.k.a. "the original"), and you get the "Vader Sessions":

Whoever thought to dig through James Earl Jones' massive film catalog and edit these sound clips in is a complete and utter mad genius.

And whoever thought to log Vader's injuries is a tepid beef shank.

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100-degrees feels a lot like 92-degrees

posted by RICK : 6:29 PM

Okay kids, raise your hand if its not unbearably hot where you live. That's what I thought. I hope everyone is getting used to it, as Al Gore promises that this is going to be the future. A sweaty, nasty, steamy, delicious future. Sign me down.

In non-heat related news, you might have read Taylor's post which appear just below this one and felt mildly to moderately confused. Let me take this time to sum it up for those who, maybe, weren't exactly sure what was happening.

KXVO, Omaha has a program called the 10:00 news. I, curiously, have been featured on the show last Friday and Yesterday. You should click the links and check out the video-- especially that from Monday night, where Taylor's exposes GinCork.com as a tool of the devil. Seriously though, its really, really funny, and not just because I'm in it (;)).

Now back to the heat. The weatherman at my station keeps saying that we're in the middle of a heatwave, because we've had more than three consecutive days in the 90s. This makes sense in New York City, but it doesn't really make sense if the same rules were held in, say, Death Valley. Does the definition of heatwave change depending on an areas average climate? Is a heatwave in Louisiana 3 days of 100-degrees or more?

These are things I think about.

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