City of Omaha, we need more cowbell!

posted by Anonymous : 10:50 PM

Anyone who has lived in Omaha, even for a short timespan, knows that we love our roads. We fucking LOVE them. We build them and we rebuild them and sometimes we can't stand the fact that there's a road that hasn't been under construction in awhile, so it's worth tearing up and rebuilding again.

Granted, they do a good job of rebuilding them to "look nice," but it doesn't really matter because they'll be tearing it up again within the next five years. Sometimes they forget to engineer them properly before laying down the cement, and so it's all the more reason to tear that shit up again and start over. Ha ha, tax dollar oops.

And then sometimes they come up with funny ideas about putting roads in the sky, which really only results in 10 years of construction in rebuilding the roads to accomodate the building of these other roads and then rebuilding the rebuilt roads back to normal, except for the rebuilt roads that they need to rebuild to fit the overwhelming concept of the absurd roads they just built over the rebuilt roads. I'll at least say in regards to this particular project that perhaps they will serve their purpose in the long-term. And in some ways, they're aesthetically pleasing in temporarily fooling me into thinking we're a big city with big roads that hover over other roads, because one set of roads just won't do it. In the short-term, however, DAMN THAT'S A LOT OF CONSTRUCTION.

Anyhow, the point of this post is to discuss a job that I've become increasingly curious about. If you've lived in Omaha long enough, you've undoubtedly driven past an intersection where you've seen a car or truck awkwardly parked on a median or up on the curb with a person inside watching traffic-- a sign on the side of the vehicle that says "City of Omaha Traffic Study" or something to that effect. That's right. They're studying YOU. And they're going to do it ALL DAY.

So how does one earn that job? Or I guess a better question is: how does one get STUCK with that job?

Here's my questions about the job (enlighten me if you're a traffic studier or know about them):

• How much does the job pay? Is it salary or hourly? Are there benefits? What's the turnover rate?
• Do you voluntarily apply for and take the job? What are the qualifications for being able to study traffic to the satisfaction of the city? Is there a Traffic Study School with classes one must take before properly observing traffic?
• What exactly is being studied? Ratio of red cars to blue cars? Amount of road-head administered per hour at this particular intersection/stretch of road?
• Can they afford to be distracted? Do they take breaks? If I were to walk into the middle of the intersection and lay face-down on the pavement, would they be obligated to intervene or are they supposed to keep observing traffic, perhaps only making a note of my action in their log (if they keep one)? Can I bring them food or lemonade or something out of my pity for them?
• Would I be able to fake being a traffic observer? The signs they use on their vehicles are pretty simplistic and look like they're merely spray-painted stencils on plain paper, taped to the side of whatever they happen to be driving-- quite easy to replicate. Who would call me out on it? What are the penalties? What if they caught me but it turned out I took really good notes? Is it still a bad thing?
• What if I started an independent traffic study, unaffiliated with the city? Is that so wrong? Why would I even want to study traffic on my own, though? I didn't think that part out.
• Are they human? Do they eat and sleep like us? Do they live among us? How do they reproduce?
• If the answer is "yes" to all the questions in the above bullet point, are they a good lay?

So I'm not sure what to make of them, and I'm not sure whether or not I feel sorry for them. If they're asked by the city to constantly objectively reevaluate shit, then yeah, I feel bad because they'll be revisiting the same intersections over and over in their different incarnations. But if they're the people who actively say, "hey, better circle the wagons-- looks like we gotta tear shit up again," then I can't say I feel much pity.

But this is all just a matter of curiosity. If I ever see a hot traffic-studying chick (which I haven't), would it be unethical to approach her on the job and ask for her number? She can't really run away, which would be a great rationalization if I was sleazy and actually had no principles. Would she lose her job for me distracting her for a few seconds and throwing off the accuracy of her "report"?

These are the questions I concern myself with, and they clearly burn away the threads of the very fabric of society. We shall not drive in fear of one another.

Good night, and good luck.

Comments: Post a Comment

Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]

<< Home