I called in sick to work today

posted by Anonymous : 3:36 PM

Why? Because I woke up feeling like... well, let me use the following analogies:

1. Like someone slammed me over the head with a sledgehammer.
2. Like someone slammed my head in a door repeatedly. Ever see Kill Bill, Vol. 1? Yeah, like that.
3. Like someone methodically stabbed shrimp forks in my head.
4. Like someone pumped pain sauce into my sinuses.
5. Like someone doesn't like me (I'm looking at you, God).
6. Like someone punched me in the face while wearing a Power Glove.
7. Like someone dropped me off my balcony head-first while laughing.
8. Like someone jammed my head up a bobcat's ass while it was running.
9. Like someone forced a hose of slushy matter down my throat, giving me permanent brain freeze.
10. Like someone removed my brain and replaced it with thumb tacks.
11. Like someone put a jihad on my head.
12. Like someone threw napalm in my face.
13. Like I have a migraine.

Hence, I slept until 2:10 p.m. today. There was no shame involved. I've been using a lot of sick days lately, but I'm beginning to feel like Peter Gibbons in my office job.

Funny side story: this girl at work has this awesome postcard-sized picture of Milton posted in her cubicle. It's a snapshot from the movie where he's peeking out from behind all his shit on his desk. Some guy was walking by her cube and happened to catch a glimpse of it. He was somewhat surprised when he stopped and said quite seriously, "Hey I think I know that guy! Who is he?"

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